I so often get emails and comments on my blog from women who feel that their husbands no longer love them or are no longer “in love” with them. These women are rightly worried. They feel a distance and a coldness in their marriage and they sense that their husbands have checked out. Women often intuitively know that this leaves their marriage very vulnerable to outside stressors that could seriously damage or eventually even end it. So often, I hear comments like “We are more like brother and sister than husband and wife,” or “my husband never shows me any affection any more,” or “my husband tunes me out,” or “I don’t think my husband loves me anymore and I’m scared he’s thinking about leaving or getting a divorce.”
I don’t ever tell these women that I think they’re wrong, because if you perceive that your marriage lacks closeness and intimacy, your intuition is likely right. Plus, it’s better to go ahead and be proactive and make things better than to just wait and see what happens. Every marriage can benefit from efforts to improve it. So, in this article, I’ll explain some of the best ways of getting your husband to fall in love with you all over again. Because a marriage in which two people are in love can withstand a lot more than a marriage that has turned cold. And, it’s a healthier, happier and more fulfilling environment for all involved. If your husband is deeply in love with you, his actions are going to ensure that you’re in turn more loving toward him, so it creates a positive cycle in which everyone’s needs are getting met.
Why Husbands Fall Out Of Love: But first things first. I need for you to understand what makes a man “fall in love” with his wife and what can also cause the reverse to happen. Many wives don’t believe me when I say this, but it is true. A man will generally fall in love because of the way you are able to make him feel about himself. When a man sees attraction, appreciation, and respect reflected back at him in his wife’s eyes he feels like he is worthy, desirable, and competent. It has less to do with how you look, or how young you are, or even with your personal appearance than with your enthusiasm and willingness to invest your time and yourself into him and the marriage.
I have interviewed many men who’ve checked out of their marriages in my research and almost all say the same things. I often hear things like “I want my wife to look at me like she did when we were first dating,” or “I am always last on her to-do list,” or “I really want my wife to notice all of the things I do for our family and not just look at me like a pay check.”
Often, when I tell wives this, they are truly shocked, because their husbands don’t indicate any of these things. Typically, instead of saying something like “Honey, could you make some time for me? I miss you,” a husband will remain quiet, become frustrated, and eventually shut down. Unfortunately, husbands are less likely to communicate and express their feelings and more likely to withdraw.
It’s a very difficult cycle. Wives today are very busy struggling to meet the needs of everyone – their children, their husbands, their bosses, their parents, their homes, etc. We often assume our husbands know that we love them and are doing the best we can. Unfortunately, these assumptions can sometimes ruin a marriage.
Getting Him To Fall In Love Again: So, hopefully by now you have a little more insight as to why the marriage may have grown cold. You may not believe me when I say this, but you are actually at a great advantage here. You already know what it takes to get your husband to fall in love with you. Now, you just need to channel the woman that he first feel deeply in love with when you were dating. Yes, you’re older now. Yes, you have more responsibilities. I realize that I’m asking you to put in more time, but the rewards that you will get in return will be worth it.
Understand that, when your husband first fell in love with you, there were several things that went into play. There was the chemistry which came out of all of the time, effort, and affection that you poured into the relationship. There was the positive feelings that you were able to bring out in your husband about himself. And, there was the shared experiences that you enjoyed together. So, all of these things need to be present to bring the original love back again.
Often, a change of scenery is needed. Don’t do the same old boring things with your husband that he’s grown immune to. Create new memories. Shake things up a bit and show him that you know he’s worth your best, most sincere effort.
Why Does I Feel Like I’m Doing All The Work In My Marriage?: Usually at this point, I’ll have wives who say “what you’re saying makes sense, but this isn’t fair. I’m the one who’s doing all the work and making all of the changes. He isn’t doing the same for me.” No, not yet. But, please hear me out.
By giving your husband more of what he wants and needs, you’re bound to get your wants and needs met in return. When you were first deeply in love with this man, did it feel like hard work? Of course it didn’t. You were happy to do things to validate him and lighten his load because you received a pay off too. You saw his happiness and pride when he looked at you, he was nice to be around, and because he was feeling loved, he loved you right back. Please don’t keep score. It will thwart your efforts. Marriage is give and take. And, when you truly love someone, you know that what you give will always come back to you.
Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions when my husband had checked out of our marriage and was no longer in love with me. Making things better took a lot of effort on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy, and save the marriage.
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